


Different Perspectives

by Nadja_Lee



Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: BAMF Jim Ellison, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hero Jim Ellison, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Military, Morality, Romance, Secrets, Warrior Jim Ellison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-02
Updated: 2006-11-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:23:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22990132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Did Jim ever leave Covert Ops? Blair is faced with evidence that claims Jim’s still active. If so how will they be able to work through such a discovery?
Relationships: Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg
Kudos: 33





	Different Perspectives

Blair let himself into the loft, trying to balance the groceries he had brought with him while doing so. He noticed they had gotten post and, after having put his bags in the kitchen, he picked the letters up from the floor and put them beside the bags in the kitchen. He took off his jacket, hung it up and started putting the shopping away. After he had received his PhD on a dissertation about the hidden society inside the police force a few months ago, he had worked full time as a researcher and teacher at the university, which allowed him more freedom to decide his own working hours. On occasion he would still ride with Jim if he felt his case demanded it or something was up with his senses, but not as often as he had earlier.

The turning point in their lives had been when his Sentinel dissertation had gone public. It had forced both men to reconsider their lives, dreams and what they truly appreciated and valued in life. Surprisingly Jim had realized before Blair had come to admit it that being a cop wasn’t Blair's dream…not even for Jim’s sake. Instead he had joined another University in town to turn in a dissertation on the police force. He already had so much material for it that he had turned it in about a year later. Career choices weren’t the only thing both men had reconsidered. Jim had come to him and confessed his love for him; something Blair had thought he would never see or hear, even though both men had promised each other never to keep secrets from each other again and to respect each other’s boundaries. Blair knew Jim wasn’t as verbal about his emotions as he himself was but by reading Jim's love in his gestures and the few words he did say, it was easy for him to read the other man, especially after they had been lovers for a little over a year. The limited words didn't matter, as he didn’t want or need a reflection of himself in his lover – he wanted him as he was.

While considering if he should start dinner or wait till Jim called to let him know he was on the way home from work, Blair went through the letters they had received. The post contained the usual bills and commercials, along with a postcard from Steven and his wife from their vacation on Hawaii with their five-month-old daughter, which he lay aside for Jim to read through…some invitations to him for various courses or lectures and an invitation to Jim to take a course on organised crime and gun running and its relevance to Major Crime violations. There was nothing here out of the ordinary, until he reached the last letter. The address on it was correct but he had to read the addressee several times to believe what he saw. _Major James J. Ellison,_ it said. It had to be a mistake, yet when he turned the letter around it had the US Army’s insignia and official stamps. It looked authentic. Yet how could Jim be a major? What was happening here?

* * *

“Chief?” Jim asked as he entered the loft, more for Blair’s benefit than anything else as he knew the younger man was home. He had known since he had turned onto their street that Blair was home; his Guide’s steady heartbeat like a beacon in the Sentinel’s eyes and had, as he neared the loft, been able to pinpoint him to the sofa.

“You’re home,” Blair said as he rose, his happiness in the statement missing despite the friendly smile. He had been sitting and working on his laptop, and now took off his glasses and went towards the older man.

“Thought I’d leave the paperwork for next week when you’re on your expedition in Mexico so I could come home a little earlier and surprise you,” Jim said as he hung up his jacket, referring to a dig Blair was going to as part of a research he was doing where he’d be gone about a week.

“Sounds like a good idea,” Blair commented when he stood beside his lover, and when Jim turned around to face him, Jim kissed him lovingly on the lips.

“Your heartbeat is a little fast. Everything all right?” Jim asked as he pulled away and went through the letters lying on the kitchen table.

Blair nodded as he went around in the kitchen trying to find pots and pans to start dinner. “Yes. There are just some things I’ll like to talk with you about.”

Jim froze in his tracks when his hand found the letter from the army. Then he looked at Blair, their eyes meeting and holding, and now he could see the hurt in Blair’s eyes.

“About this I assume?”

Blair nodded.

Jim sighed. “Let’s sit down,” he said, and they went to the sofa. Jim turned to face his lover after they were seated and asked with a somewhat guarded yet otherwise neutral expression, “What do you want to know?”

Despite his thoughts that he would let Jim say what he needed to, the other man’s lack of guilt at being caught red handed annoyed Blair. “Why you lied to me for starters.”

“I never lied,” Jim said calmly, and his calm just angered Blair further.

“Lying by omission is still lying.”

“If I recall, that’s my line; you’re not a stranger to tall tales yourself,” Jim said with wry humour, trying to diffuse the seriousness of the situation with a warm smile.

“Damn it, Jim!” Blair cursed at him, his eyes radiating hurt, betrayal and anger. “This is not a game. You lied to me.” He took a deep breath and repeated with a pained breath, “You betrayed me.”

Jim shook his head, his face falling in soft folds. “No, love. No,” he said softly and caressed Blair's cheek. “I would never do that.”

“Then explain this,” Blair accused with a hand movement waved towards the letter, and Jim drew his hand back and looked guarded and thoughtful for a moment.

“The letter is probably something in regards to my pension. I was told they have had some issues with their computer system, which has meant that all effected personnel get a letter to confirm what they’re entitled to so they can report it if it’s not correct. Normally they send all paperwork to a post box I’ve kept for years now. This one must have been sent to the wrong address on file. It happens from time to time,” he said evenly, knowing it wasn’t quite what Blair had meant when he had asked for an explanation but it was a beginning. The post box was as much for his own protection should an enemy try and trace him through the military’s paperwork than it was because he didn’t want to mix his civilian and military life too much if he could help it. He often felt like two different people depending on whether or not he wore his uniform.

“I don’t understand,” Blair admitted, calmer this time. “How can you be a major in the army? What do you do for them?”

“When I resigned my commission I was asked to stand on reserve instead. As a member of a covert ops team which has had several successful operations, I was valuable should similar situations arise,” Jim told him matter-of-factly.

“That should not have earned you a promotion,” Blair said frankly, trying to fit all the pieces together.

Jim shook his head. “No, it shouldn’t. From time to time I’m ordered on various missions, and it was through one of them I was promoted.”

“But when have you ever been on missions?” Blair asked bewildered.

“Whenever I go on a trip alone, it’s often because I’ve been called out on a mission,” Jim admitted, and Blair drew in a sharp breath.

“All those times…and you didn’t tell me?!” He turned accusing eyes on Jim, the pain clearly heard in his voice.

“I was not at liberty to tell you,” Jim said frankly.

“That’s bull! How can you agree to something like that?” Blair protested.

“It’s what I do. What I’m good at.”

“Killing?” Blair asked disbelieving.

Jim shook his head but then looked thoughtful. “Yes, but what I meant was more that I’m good at what I do.” At Blair’s look he added, “And I believe in what I do.”

“Even after your own government screwed you over on the Peru mission?”

Jim shook his head. “Actions of individuals.”

“Jim, the army is made up of individuals.”

“I’m not claiming things are perfect, but I have faith in my superiors or I would not be doing what I do.”

Blair shook his head in disbelief. It was one thing for Jim to keep this from him, but the fact that it now also seemed to be a much deeper issue, involving political opinions, was deeply troubling to him. Though he had always known they had different standpoints, he had somehow assumed Jim had more or less bent to his way of seeing things through the years they had spent together. 

“Running around in the world and forcing our ideas and thoughts down other civilizations’ throats isn’t my idea of people worth having such faith in.”

“Chief,” Jim began, his voice soft but strong. “I cannot change who I am. Being a military man is a part of me.”

“A part you led me to believe wasn’t there anymore,” Blair accused.

“It was always there, in the way I reacted, the way I walked or spoke or dressed.”

“You know what I mean,” Blair said with a resigned sigh.

“Yes, I do,” Jim admitted, “but I also knew from the start that you didn’t feel the same way as I did in this, or many other aspects for that matter, and back then I needed you to help me with my senses. Later I didn’t want to have to argue or defend my position.”

“It’s not like we’re talking about rescuing trapped civilians here,” Blair protested hotly. “You’re into some kind of secret government stuff…Assassinations of civilians or maybe even torture of prisoners…what do I know?”

“Not everything classified equals a breach of basic human rights. Some of my missions have been to liberate prisoners,” Jim argued.

“Most of it does, or else it wouldn’t be classified.” When he saw Jim was set to protest, he rephrased his argument. “Can you tell me that if you right now, right this minute, told me what your missions through the years have been, that I wouldn’t be able to show you several such violations?”

Jim shook his head, his lips a thin line. “Sometimes the end justifies the means.”

“Bullshit!” Blair said hotly. “If we destroy our very humanity in the pursuit of a better world, then that better world will never come. No goal is so precious it can withstand being tainted by the blood or cries of innocents.”

“Define innocents. Such definitions may differ,” Jim said darkly, his thoughts lost in memories of past missions.

“So you have no problem with the fact that the very government you risk your life for would probably disown you should something happen to you during a mission because officially they can’t be associated with whatever mission you were sent on?” The thought of Jim hurt and betrayed in such a way made his voice harder than he had intended.

“I knew the risks when I joined up. I wanted to serve, and this was my way,” Jim said simply.

Blair was silent for a while before he asked, his voice soft, his eyes tormented, “Have you ever killed someone?”

Jim knew the question would come sooner or later but still felt sucker-punched by its directness. When he replied his voice and eyes were steady yet held a sad gleam, “Yes but you already suspected if not outright knew that when we meet.”

Blair had to admit that Jim was right; there was a knowledge in Jim’s eyes, a burden in his manner and a certain steel to his face that had told Blair it was likely, considering his military past, but Blair had never wanted to take the thought further than that.

“How can you live with that?” he asked, for he couldn’t imagine doing so.

Yes, he could defend his partner in a crisis and would hit back if attacked but he was a pacifist by heart, was opposed to torture of any kind no matter what information a man might possess, was opposed to the death penalty and was a fierce advocate for intercultural tolerance as well as human rights.

Jim’s eyes reflected anguish for just a few seconds, then his mask of control slipped back in place.

“One day at a time, Chief. One day at a time.” His voice sounded tired before he regained control over which emotions to show and which to bury inside.

They sat in silence for a while until Blair laid a hand over one of Jim’s. Their eyes meet and Blair said softly, “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me by not saying anything.”

Jim nodded. “I never would. I’m sorry if I did. Some things I simply couldn’t and never will be able to say, and for those I can talk about…I thought it best not to.”

“But I need to ask a few more questions.”

Jim nodded, relieved that Blair seemed to want to find a way to resolve this. “Go ahead. Anything I can answer, I will.”

“Is there anything else about you I don’t know?”

The question’s sting was softened by a smile, and Jim shook his head.

“No.”

“Will you be sent on any more missions?”

“Yes.”  
  


Blair hesitated, fighting with himself. “Would you consider quitting?”

Jim’s blue eyes gave Blair a piercing glance. “I would if you said it was the only way for us to stay together.”

“But you wouldn’t want to. It wouldn’t feel right,” Blair finished for him with a sigh.

Jim shook his head. “After…after the press conference,” he said with hesitation, and Blair realized Jim still had trouble speaking of it and still felt a measure of guilt that Blair had given up his dream for him even if he had managed to get it back, “I knew you wouldn’t be happy as a cop, and I wouldn’t be happy knowing you had given up something that important for my sake…” He paused and Blair gave his hand a warm squeeze, comforted by Jim’s consideration. “I also knew I wouldn’t be happy if I felt I hadn’t done all I could to serve.”

“You already serve as a cop. Isn’t that enough?”

Jim shook his head. “You wouldn’t settle for less than giving your best. Neither will I.” He paused before he quoted the West Point academy motto where he had earned his commission, “’Duty, honor, country’. The code of conduct, the concepts of honor and duty…they have always appealed to me. The army is a part of me…I choose to believe they make me a better man for it.”

Blair shook his head. “Your moral compass, your compassion…that’s all you.”

Jim smiled a little. “An officer **and** a gentleman,” he reminded Blair.

Blair smiled back at that comment, being reminded of the Richard Gere movie. “Does this mean you’ll carry me up the stairs wearing your uniform?” He paused. “Do you have a uniform?”

“Yes to the last part; my missions are classified but not my commission. And about the carrying….well, if you asked nicely,” Jim teased and Blair laughed. Both men suddenly felt better, as the tension seemed to ease out with the banter.

As he sobered, Jim added in a warm tone, “It’s not all about killing and conquering…I also served as a medic, and sometimes still double as such. As a medic your first concern is your patient’s health; nothing else.”

Blair shook his head. “I’m not belittling your sacrifice or courage for doing all this. What I am saying is that I don't feel human life should be subjected to such things…not our people, not their people…and where does ‘we’ as in 'all of us' come into all this?”

“I’m a soldier; not a politician," Jim stated, then added, "But as a soldier I also wish for peace…not for war.”

Blair was silent for a while before he said, “How do you manage to love me and still stand so firmly behind an army which would kick you out for conduct unbecoming, if I recall the term correctly, if they knew you were my lover?”

“Don’t ask, don’t tell…we **do** take care of our own, at least in my unit, no matter what,” Jim said before he elaborated, “I don't support the policy, but there may be many orders or politics I disagree with - that doesn’t mean I have any less of an obligation to protect my country when I can. I have faith that one day things will change but I know it’ll probably not be during my service time.” 

Blair took a deep breath. “I have no trouble agreeing to disagree on the necessity of military force in most situations. Nor do I have a problem with you wanting to serve…but I must admit I’m having some trouble with this covert ops stuff. Not the fact that it’s secret, but because of what I believe such secrecy means…that it means you’ll be part of something where, as you said, the end justifies the means; any means…and if that’s applied to information gathering or such things…” His voice died out as images of killings and torture filled his mind, making him shudder.

“I can't tell you about my missions, nor can I promise you that I'm not glad that you will never see what I've done and probably will be ordered to do again,” Jim said darkly. “However, I believe I do these things to keep you, and this country…all the countries in the world at times, safe, or at least safer.” He paused before he added, “What I can say is that I’m not a cruel man. As for the rest…” he locked eyes with Blair as he went on, “for the rest, well I guess you'll have to trust me when I say that the moral codes we both hold to are codes I do my utmost to always follow.”

A matter of faith…that was what it all came down to then.

“Your repression skills would come in handy here,” Blair said weakly, attempting humour that was rewarded when Jim gave a small smile.

“It has actually proved useful in that capacity,” Jim said, the light tone belying the seriousness of what he said and implied.

They sat in silence for a while before Blair spoke, his voice strong and steady, “I would never tell you what you can or cannot do. You shouldn’t hide the military part of your life on my account; I’ll gladly walk beside you when you wear your uniform, but my political standpoints would stay the same. However, I'm not sure if I would ever be able to support all this.” At Jim’s closed expression and pained look he added softly, warmly, as he laid a hand on Jim’s face, turning it so Jim's eyes focused back to meet his, “but I do know I’ll always support you. If you believe this strongly in what you do then…” he let the sentence die, and Jim smiled radiantly.

“Lov’ you, Chief,” he said as he with a hand behind Blair’s neck brought him in for a kiss.

“Love you too,” Blair said as they drew apart. “One last thing before we go make dinner,” Blair said, taking a deep breath before he forced the situation back to normality, “I want you to tell me when you’re going on missions. You needn’t say anything more or anything else. I won’t debate the issue with you, I won’t try and stop you and I won’t ask you for details you cannot give.”

Jim nodded solemnly. “Deal.”

“Good.”

Blair smiled, pushing all the thoughts and emotions he had had on this issue aside as he rose. Jim did likewise, and Blair hadn’t taken more than few steps towards the kitchen before Jim caught hold of him and turned him around in his embrace to claim Blair's lips once more.

“How about we just order Chinese?” Jim whispered huskily, his hands playing with Blair’s shirt, pushing it upward. 

“I can live with that,” Blair agreed and quickly got rid of his shirt before he was back in Jim’s embrace.

Their lips meet and their tongues duelled for dominance. With hungry eyes and hands they had shred almost all of their clothes by the time they reached the bedroom at the top of the stairs.

There was a passion and intensity to their lovemaking, as if they were reinforcing their faith and trust in each other…as if they had just survived an ordeal they couldn’t put into words.

Late into the night, after having ordered dinner when Blair’s stomach had rumbled loudly, they lay in bed together, Blair’s head resting on Jim’s chest, sleeping peacefully and snoring softly while doing so. Jim had a protective arm around him while he stroked Blair's hair with his free hand. It was in his blood to protect, no one more so than his Guide. The faith and obedience he gave the army and his comrades was nothing compared to all he gave Blair, because it was, literally, everything. When he first met Blair he had thought they were too different to even become friends. Now he knew that it was their differences that kept them together. Blair’s humanity and compassionate beliefs were two of many reasons why he loved him; it was an essential part of who Blair was. Just like serving and protecting, in any form he could, was for him.

Jim smiled happily to himself. He should have told Blair sooner; even if the details were classified, he should have tried. Yet he hadn’t wanted Blair to carry that with him. Now he knew that protecting Blair from the truth wasn’t the best course of action. He tightened his hold on the younger man, feeling his nearness and warmth smoothing and calming him. Blair loved him. It was still a miracle for him to think about it. What was more…Blair respected him for what he felt he had to do…he might not agree but he stood by him. Like he himself had done when he insisted Blair follow his dream and continue his academic pursuits.

With a warm smile still on his lips, Jim fell asleep to the steady and strong heartbeat of his Guide, feeling at home and relieved that the last thing that had stood between them had now been solved in a way which had enabled both to come together, yet stay on different paths all the same.

_The End_


End file.
